I am experiencing a kind of daily tug-of-war; at times pulling me towards the Church and then pulling me away.
It has been happening for a while, not just because of the latest headlines and next chapter in this crisis over child abuse and how it has been mishandled.
Like many Catholics this has been on my mind for some considerable time; knowing that something has to be done and believing that not enough is being done.
There are victims of our conflict who will never be fixed and will always be broken because of what happened to them, and I am sure the same applies in this scandal of abuse.
Whatever the Church does will not mend those who have been broken by this, but in not doing what many consider to be necessary, one imagines it is making things worse.
The IRA lives with the ghosts of the “disappeared” – those people it executed and buried in secret or hidden graves never to be found.
Loyalists live with the past actions of the Shankill Butchers gang – and the barbarity of those killings.
And the Catholic Church is haunted by the ghosts of this abuse scandal, and none of us know what more has been hidden, what we will read when the next page is found and turned.
We don’t know where the stories have been concealed; who knows and what they know.
And it is in this darkness, in this not knowing, that this personal tug-of-war is happening.
I am the only Catholic in my family married to a Catholic. My wife is the only Catholic in her family married to a Catholic.
And, some years ago, we locked horns with the Church when a priest refused to baptise our daughter because both godparents were Protestant.
We had Elle baptised elsewhere, by another Catholic priest and with two Protestant godparents.
The host of this website Eamonn Mallie helped make that happen.
Many of us had and have moved on from the thinking of previous generations that the Church and the priest are always right.
Like all of us, they can be wrong.
In recent years, after a period of absence, I had become a regular at Mass, on Sundays and most other days.
But, now, I am drifting away again; not knowing what to do and what not to do, what is the right thing to do and what is the wrong thing?
This is the tug-of-war.
In my thinking, a resignation by Cardinal Sean Brady is not enough, nor is a re-shuffle. This scandal, and how it has been mishandled, demands root and branch change within the Church.
There is also much more than one issue to be confronted.
It should be driven by the people; made happen by the people, and the challenge is how to deliver that message and reform.
Do we do it by staying away, in a protest of absence, or is there a better way, a different way?
This is my mind battle.
Staying away blames everyone, and that is certainly not what I want to do.
But I fear that continuing as if nothing is wrong, that nothing needs fixed, adds to and makes worse the scandal; that we become a part of it; the silence and the cover-up.
What would those who have been hurt most in all of this want us to do?
What are the answers they need, and how are those answers best delivered?
We need to find out, not just by listening but in hearing and doing.
Many voices are being raised to express concern. These are not people with hidden agendas who want to hurt the Church.
They want things to change -for the right reasons, and they should be heard, not dismissed or silenced.
In our lives and living all of us have sinned and need forgiveness.
I remember growing up when at different times within our family we faced challenges and in those moments hearing my mother’s words: Say your prayers.
We all need prayer right now – prayers that ask for the right decisions, the right changes, for the right things to be done, and for the right reasons.